DRINKING HABITS

By Tom Smith

SALLY

So, Sister Mary Catherine…how's nun life treating you?

SISTER MARY CATHERINE

Can you keep a secret?

SALLY

Sure.

SISTER MARY CATHERINE

I’m not really a nun! I mean, I’m training to be one, but I’m still a novice. I talked with Cardinal Bluejay and he’s allowing me to stay here while I finish up my training. They don’t take novices at this order, so I’m pretending that I’ve already entered the Sisterhood. I’ve been saddled with guilt ever since I replaced my novice whites with this gown. Please don't tell Mother Superior! I don't want to have to go back. I just know that The Sisters of Perpetual Sewing is my destiny!

SALLY

Honey, I won’t tell a soul. The way I see it, it’s sort of like living with your boyfriend before marrying him.

(SHE sees the shocked look on MARY

CATHERINE's face)

Spiritually, I mean.

SISTER MARY CATHERINE

How long have you been a sister, Sister Mary Mary?

SALLY

Oh, uh…it seems like such a short time. But I guess it's been since…uh…I was…nine?

SISTER MARY CATHERINE

Nine! I've never heard of anyone that young being allowed into the Sisterhood.

SALLY

Oh, well, uh…I was in the program for exceptionally pious kids. My brother became a priest when he was seven.

SISTER MARY CATHERINE

Oh my! It must seem almost a burden to have so much goodness in you.

SALLY

It's the cross I bear.

(realizing HER guffaw)

Which isn't to make light of the cross Jesus bore. For our sins. Uh, I think I'll just pray quietly for a moment.

(SHE begins to cross herself, but realizes SHE

doesn't know the order in which to do so. MARY

CATHERINE looks on, slightly confused. SALLY

smiles, then tries a different order. SHE is still

confused. SHE does a version of the Hokey Pokey

then drops to her knees to pray)

MOTHER SUPERIOR

(entering)

Sister Mary Catherine? I’m afraid I wasn’t expecting you.

SISTER MARY CATHERINE

Cardinal Bluejay said he’d sent a letter. Perhaps it hasn’t arrived yet.

SISTER PHILAMENA

Mother Superior, wasn’t that the letter you got last week?

MOTHER SUPERIOR

Sister Philamena, could you please show Sister Mary Catherine to her room? She’ll be in the room next to Sister Mary—oh dear, what’s your second name?

SALLY

Mary.

MOTHER SUPERIOR

No, dear, your second name?

SALLY

Mary.

SISTER MARY CATHERINE

It’s Sister Mary Mary, Mother Superior.

MOTHER SUPERIOR

Mary Catherine will be next to Mary Mary. Then bring Sister Augusta back in here here. I mean, back in here. I would like to speak with you both.

SISTER PHILAMENA

Yes, Mother Superior.

(ALL exit, save for MOTHER SUPERIOR who

paces the room. PAUL opens the trunk for a breath

of fresh air. HE sees MOTHER SUPERIOR and

slowly creeps out of the trunk. SHE turns around.

HE hides behind the trunk. SHE continues pacing.

HE silently makes HIS way back to the closet and

hides inside.SHE sits on the trunk, thinking.

AUGUSTA and PHILAMENA re-enter)

SISTER AUGUSTA

You wanted to see us, Mother Superior?

MOTHER SUPERIOR

Yes, we’ve caught ourselves a spy, Sisters.

SISTER PHILAMENA

Who, Mother Superior?

MOTHER SUPERIOR

Sister Mary Catherine. She seems so innocent, so pure. But I could tell the minute I saw her that she was the spy that was sent from Rome!Did you see how nervous she looked?She's definitely hiding something.Now listen, we mustn't tell her a thing.If she asks, we must commit sin and fib a little. Tell here there are many other sisters in our order, but that they are all on retreat.We can't let here know it's just the three of us. Well, four of us now with Sister Mary Mary.

SISTER AUGUSTA

Yes, Mother Superior.

MOTHER SUPERIOR

Sister Philamena, I want you to watch Mary Catherine closely. Report to me anything you see that seems suspicious.

SISTER PHILAMENA

But, Mother, I haven’t the time!

MOTHER SUPERIOR

What do you mean? You and Augusta are almost done with the garments.

SISTER PHILAMENA

It's, uh…well, we still need to talk with George and, uh…

MOTHER SUPERIOR

Nonsense! You may speak with him at a later date; this is important! Sister Augusta, I want you to keep Mary Catherine occupied. Take her on a tour of the grounds. Bring her into town. Just keep her busy!

SISTER AUGUSTA

But, Mother Superior…!

MOTHER SUPERIOR

Just do it! We’ll make sure she’s too exhausted to spy! Oh, poor Sister Mary Mary, to come to our convent when such deceit is going on!