GLAMTASTIC: an evening with Kitty ala Bebe...and Marco!
by Tom Smith
KITTY
Thank you! Thank you so very much! And now that we have your applause warmed up, I assume we'll be hearing a lot more of it this evening. A lot more. Ah, it's so marvelous to be here at the Black Cock Theatre.
(MARCO whispers something.)
What?
(HE whispers again.)
Oh, the Black Box? Well, that's a little disappointing. But that's all right. You lesbians need entertainment too.
(MARCO whispers.)
You're kidding me!
(Pointing at the audience.)
But look at those two.
(MARCO whispers.)
Oh, Black Box, like the shape of the building! I see. Well, that's a little different. But it still doesn't explain those haircuts… Anyhoo, I'm delighted to be here! Performing is in my blood. Like syphilis. Just this burning, oozing desire to bring joy and wonder to all you lonely, pathetic XXXX-wearing people of
But I see the love in your eyes, ladies and gentlemen,—and, oh, in your pants, sir—and I thank you for it! It's so gratifying to perform on dry land again. Marco and I spent too many years on fourth-rate cruise ships and believe me with all that rocking it was like living in a giant baby cradle. And every night you'd find me sucking on a bottle—only mine was something I call Johnny Walker Red.
(Laughs and drinks.)
But seriously, it's an absolute thrill to be here among all you hardworking, Walmart shopping, real people again. Unlike my usual audiences who have taste and breeding, you folks are here for one purpose only: for the music: the music that will make you forget all about your sad and dreary little lives. The kind of lives that make you go out and buy XXXX. Well, allow me to bring my gift of song to you! Sit back, relax, grab the hand of the person next to you, put it in your lap, and enjoy the ride!
SONG: YOU SHOOK ME ALL NIGHT LONG (AC/DC)
I AM A SEX MACHINE,
I KEEP MY MOTOR CLEAN.
I AM THE BEST DAMN WOMAN YOU HAVE EVER SEEN.
I HAVE THE SIGHTLESS EYES
TELLING YOU NO LIES.
I'M KNOCKIN' YOU OUT WITH MY AMERICAN THIGHS.
TAKING MORE THAN MY SHARE,
HAVE YOU FIGHTING FOR AIR.
YOU TELL ME TO COME BUT I AM ALREADY THERE.
'CAUSE THE WALLS START SHAKING,
THE EARTH IS QUAKING,
MY MIND IS ACHING,
AND WE WERE MAKIN IT, AND YOU
SHOOK ME ALL NIGHT LONG.
YEAH YOU, SHOOK ME ALL NIGHT LONG.
YOU KNOCKED ME OUT AND THEN YOU
SHOOK ME ALL NIGHT LONG.
YOU HAD ME SHAKIN' AND YOU
SHOOK ME ALL NIGHT LONG.
YEAH, YOU SHOOK ME.
WELL, YOU TOOK ME;
YOU REALLY TOOK ME AND YOU
SHOOK ME ALL NIGHT LONG.
OOOOH YOU
SHOOK ME ALL NIGHT LONG.
YEAH, YEAH, YOU
SHOOK ME ALL NIGHT LONG.
YOU REALLY TOOK ME,
AND YOU SHOOK ME,
YEAH YOU SHOOK ME
ALL NIGHT LONG.
Thank you! Those incredibly poetic lyrics were written by none other than rock legend, AC/DC. Marco, didn't you tell me once that you were in AC/DC?
MARCO
No, babe. I said I was AC/DC. In college. Now I'm just DC.
KITTY
Short for "damned cute" if you ask me! Oh, my. That song always makes me a little moist in my girl regions. Speaking of girls, who do we have here tonight? Bring up the lights, let me take a look.
(House lights come up. KITTY looks shocked.)
Oh, not that bright!
(They lower.)
That's better. The only thing I want lit up that much tonight is me!
(Sees someone.)
Oh, look at you…aren't you pretty? How old are you, dear? C'mon, you can tell me… XXXX? You don't look a day older than 21. Of course, I don't have my glasses on, but—
(Gets closer and takes a good look.)
Oh. Oh, dear. Sorry. Oh my. You know, my daughter Amy just turned 21. Amy, where are, dear? Amy? Marco, do you see her? Well, she's terribly shy and she just doesn't want to call attention to herself. Oh, how wonderful life is when you're 21. Or XXXX. God, I miss my youth…he left me just last night! Somehow he was able to gnaw through those ropes and…but that's another story.
SONG: BEAUTY AND THE BEAST
TALE AS OLD AS TIME,
TRUE AS IT CAN BE.
BARELY EVEN FRIENDS ,
THEN SOMEBODY BENDS
UNEXPECTEDLY.
JUST A LITTLE CHANGE.
SMALL, TO SAY THE LEAST.
BOTH A LITTLE SCARED,
NEITHER ONE PREPARED.
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.
EVER JUST THE SAME.
EVER A SURPRISE.
EVER AS BEFORE,
EVER JUST AS SURE
AS THE SUN WILL RISE.
CERTAIN AS THE SUN
RISING IN THE EAST.
TALE AS OLD AS TIME,
SONG AS OLD AS RHYME.
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.
TALE AS OLD AS TIME,
SONG AS OLD AS RHYME.
BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.
You know, I met Marco when I was 21. Didn't I, dear?
MARCO
That's right, babe.
KITTY
Where was it we met again? The cathouse in the Catskills?
MARCO
No, that's where you met Juan, your first husband.
KITTY
Ah, yes: Juan! Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan, Juan. Juan. He was the love of my life. Juan was an interior decorator. And this was before all those cable tv shows. He had such a flair for fashion and fabrics. He was hired to do the interior of my father's new bar. Daddy was an Irishman who owned bars all along the East Coast. Well, Juan heard about some work needed by a Gaelic man, and I guess Juan didn't really understand what "Gaelic" meant because he was sorely disappointed to find out it meant Irish. But Juan stayed on to complete the job anyway. Oh, my, he was so handsome! He swept me off my feet from the first moment I laid eyes on his leather pants and puffy, white pirate shirt.