JOHNNY AND SALLY ANN: THE TRUE-LIFE TALL-TALES
OF JOHNNY APPLESEED AND
SALLY ANN THUNDER ANN WHIRLWIND
by Tom Smith
SALLY ANN
I can do just fine by
myself. I've been taking care of myself
for ten years already.
PETE
But how? You're just a girl.
SALLY ANN
What do you mean,
"just a girl?"
PETE
Well, you know… How are you going
to feed yourself? You need a husband to
work to make money.
SALLY ANN
I catch my own food. Every day I
walk over to that stream and I get 10 fish before you can say lickety-split.
PETE
But fishing is man's work.
SALLY ANN
Not when a woman does it.
PETE
I don’t believe you catch your own fish.
JOHNNY APPLESEED
Pete!
PETE
Well I don't. Prove it, Sally Ann
whatever-your-name-is. I'll tell you
what; let's have a race. The first
person to catch 10 fish from that stream is the winner.
SALLY ANN
Fine.
JOHNNY APPLESEED
Sally Ann, you don't have to do this.
He's just talking big.
SALLY ANN
I got no problem. It's Pete that
should be scared.
PETE
I'm not scared of
some girl. Ready? On your mark, get set, go.
(PETE
jumps in the stream, reaching at fish but missing each time. SALLY ANN is stretching
and yawning, taking her time walking over to the stream. PETE reaches in again
and again, always missing, sometimes falling.
Eventually, SALLY ANN gets into the water.)
SALLY ANN
Hey, Pete, what did I say that word was?
You know, that one…?
PETE
You mean, lickety-split? (as HE says it, SHE pulls out 10 fish) What the…?
SALLY ANN
I told you. 10 fish before you
could say lickety-split.
PETE
That's not fair. You cheated! You probably had those fish in your pockets
or something!
SALLY ANN
I don't have any pockets!
PETE
Well, I still say you cheated!
JOHNNY APPLESEED
Pete, c'mon. She
won fair and square. Let's just—
SALLY ANN
All right then, choose something else. I'll prove to you that I'm faster, smarter,
and better than any boy in any thing.
PETE
Ok, Miss Know-it-all: I challenge you to a foot race. From here to that tree way way over there and back again.
SALLY ANN
Fine.
PETE
On your mark, get set, go! (HE
takes off)
SALLY ANN
Your friend is a little bigheaded, Mr. Appleseed.
JOHNNY APPLESEED
Call me Johnny. And yes, I
know. But Pete is a good person at
heart. Don't you think you should start
running?
SALLY ANN
I'll give him a few more seconds head start.
3…2…1…be right back. (SHE runs
off)
JOHNNY APPLESEED
Whew! Look at her run. She's like a cheetah! I've never seen a person run that fast
before. (HE pulls out his watch and
times her. A few moments later, SALLY
ANN returns) You ran that whole distance in under
fifteen seconds. You're amazing!
SALLY ANN
I hate showing him up like that, but when boys think
they're better than me just because they're boys, it really steams me up. That's a beautiful watch.
JOHNNY APPLESEED
My father gave it to me before I left home.
SALLY ANN
That was awfully nice of him.
JOHNNY APPLESEED
Do you live out here by yourself?
SALLY ANN
Yep. I used to live with my 9
brothers, but things got crowded at home, so I thought I'd go out on my
own. On my 8th birthday I
decided I'd go live with the animals, so that's what I did. Been living out here in the woods with the
animals ever since. Had
a leopard teach me to run. A
shark taught me to swim. I've
arm-wrestled gorillas and learned to sing from the birds. Heck, I even enrolled in a school and learned
all I could until I got as smart as the teacher. They didn't have anything else to teach me,
so I just headed back out to the woods.
JOHNNY APPLESEED
Wait a minute! You're not the same
Sally Ann Thunder Ann Whirlwind who saw eagles attacking a man? They say you yelled at those eagles so loud
that the feathers fell off their heads, and now they're bald eagles.
SALLY ANN
I was just trying to help.
JOHNNY APPLESEED
I'm awfully glad to meet you in person, ma'am.
SALLY ANN
Likewise, Johnny. Have
you been out in the woods a long time?
JOHNNY APPLESEED
Yes, ma'am. Been
living off the generosity of folks for the past few years. Trading them apple seeds
for clothing and food and such. Helping a lot of them get back on their feet.
SALLY ANN
That's awfully big-hearted
of you, Johnny. The world needs more
kindness like yours.
PETE
(slowly running back on, panting heavily) No
fair! You must have taken a short cut.
SALLY ANN
You saw me pass you going to the tree and then coming back again!
PETE
I know, but I still think you cheated.
Maybe you have special shoes or something. One more test!
JOHNNY APPLESEED
Now, Pete, c'mon… She won fair and
square. Just like before.
PETE
One
more.
SALLY ANN
Fine. One more.
PETE
Ok, the first one to move ten stones from over there, to over here, is
the winner. Ready, on your mark, get
set, go! (HE starts to gather stones,
one by one. It is slow and arduous. After HE gets the first stone over:) Whatsamatter? Too
weak to do it?
SALLY ANN
No, I just don't know why you're doing it the hard way.
PETE
What do you mean?
SALLY ANN
Stand back for just a second. (SHE
suddenly starts spinning, creating a tornado, which gathers 10 rocks and sets
them down by PETE) My fifth name's
not Whirlwind for nothing, you know.
JOHNNY APPLESEED
Now do you give up, Pete?
PETE
Let's arm-wrestle!
JOHNNY APPLESEED
Pete!
PETE
C'mon! First one to—(SALLY ANN
pins his arm) Ok, let's have a yelling contest. (SALLY ANN roars, the force pushing PETE
down) How about singing? (SHE opens her mouth and out comes a
beautiful aria) I give up!
JOHNNY APPLESEED
Finally.
SALLY ANN
Don't be upset, Pete. I didn't win
all those contests just to make you look bad.
I just wanted to prove to you that some girls could be better than boys
at things. Just like some boys can
better than girls. It all depends on the
person.
JOHNNY APPLESEED
C'mon, Pete, we'd better get going.
Sally Ann doesn't need our apple seeds.
Let's go find some people who do.
It was great meeting you, Sally Ann.
SALLY ANN
You too, Johnny. Maybe
we'll meet again sometime.
JOHNNY APPLESEED
I'd like that.
SALLY ANN
Me too.
PETE
When we do, you'd better be ready.
I took it easy on you because I didn't want you to cry when you
lost. But next time, I won't hold back.
SALLY ANN
Sure, Pete. Bye! (SHE
exits)
PETE
I can't believe it…beaten by
a girl.
JOHNNY APPLESEED
No, just beaten by a faster runner, a stronger arm-wrestler, a better
singer, a—
PETE
Ok, ok, ok. Let's just keep
going. Yeesh!